Masks And When To Quit Being A Freak

When is it safe to be a person?

The last two years have seen my descent into freakland. This month will be my two year anniversary of my face not being seen in public. Every time I’ve encountered another human being outside of my home (and even much of the time in) I’ve been masked. I’ve seen my mask evolution go from a a pull over sleeve (which at the time I didn’t realize offered little if any protection) to a bulk box of KN95s to designer label KN95s in multiple colors (evolvetogether). Regardless the type though, my glasses still fog up. 😟

I have the trifecta for COVID to feast on. I have blood cancer, actually two types (chronic lymphocytic leukemia and myelofibrosis). CLL attacks the immune system to start which makes the effectiveness of the COVID vaccine limited. In addition, the chemotherapy I had for it further compromised my system. All this has resulted in a case of lymphocytic colitis (where I lost 35 pounds off already thin frame) and a week long stay in the hospital for a major surgery to remove a a softball-size infected mass in my lung. That was a year ago and I fought back; putting most the weight back on and getting in probably as good of shape as I’ve been in ten years; plus both cancers are in remission. Unfortunately neither can be cured. They just hang out charging themselves up to make a major assault. Until then — I’m good … except for this COVID nonsense.

Every month I sit in the Billings Clinic infusion center for four hours getting IVIG treatments to boost my immune system. I’m also on anti-virals. And I’ve had four COVID vaccine shots. Now up until last month my system showed no response from the vaccinations. But at my last oncology appointment in February, I showed a positive response. My dilapidated bodily defense finally decided to step up and be part of the solution.

Now what does this mean? I’m still gun shy though. I still wear a mask even though I’m technically COVID vaccinated and my general immune numbers are close to normal. And I still go nowhere I don’t have to. I’m in a pseudo-quarantine. In other words, I’m still living in freakland.

Montana, where I live, has not been stellar in their adherence to any COVID protocols. Only half the populace is vaccinated and absolutely no one wears masks — except me. I don’t know for sure — but if you do wear a mask they must take your “cowboy up” badge away from you.

Now I don’t care what people think about me here and no one hassles me regardless. That’s not the issue. It’s just if their attitude is not to give a damn because of some misguided moronic idea of liberty, I probably want nothing to do with them anyway. If this isn’t the case — then they’re probably succumbing to peer pressure from their equally liberty-obsessed friends or family; which is just as bad.

Now the question is; when does my actual risk displace my perception of it? When do I decide to rejoin society outside of a virtual existence? I suppose it’s a risk reward algorithm. If I was back in Los Angeles, the reward to being a person would raise my risk tolerance. Here in Fromberg, Montana; land of protest trucker rallies, emotional repression and of course Trump … why risk anything.

I guess the masks will stay on. Hey, tell me what color I should go with next. I think it’s time to get a little adventurous and evolve form my normal grey or tan. Maybe pink. 😬

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Update Wednesday, April 20: Two weeks ago I received a dose (actually two shots in the butt) of Evusheld. Evusheld is a monoclonal antibody cocktail, given in to prevent COVID. For people who can’t mount an immune response even with vaccinations, the drug provides patients with a direct infusion of antibodies. Patients can receive an additional dose every six months. Essentially it’s prophylactic with a success rate of about 80% — more or less in line with the mRNA vaccinations Moderna offers.

Now I wish I could say that this has made me comfortable returning to the proverbial “normal”. But it hasn’t. It’s like my relationship with COVID has left me shell shocked. It sucks. All I can do is criticize the government and what I see is their politically-motivated stance and lack of response. I don’t yearn for physically interacting with people again. I just have resentment if they’re not wearing masks — still.

When will I shake this “shell shock”? Will I ever; as I have no faith in us ever truly getting past this pandemic? I suppose we’ll find out … maybe. 🤕